Tibbs in 2000By Scott Tibbs
We're two years away from the 2000 presidential race, but presidential politics are already heating up. On the Democratic side, speculation surrounds Vice President Al Gore, House Minority leader Richard Gephardt, Former New Jersey Senator Bill Bradley, and Nebraska Senator Bob Kerrey. The Republican side is already crowded, as names being thrown about include 1996 candidates Steve Forbes and Lamar Alexander, as well as Dan Quayle, Senator John Ashcroft (R-Mo.), Senator Trent Lott (R-Miss.), Elizabeth Dole, and Family Research Council President Gary Bauer. From the "fat chance" section of the GOP, New York Mayor Rudolph Guliani, House Speaker Newt Gingrich, and former Massachusetts Governor William Weld are more possible names in 2000.
For the Republicans to win in 2000, they must find a candidate who is able to rebuild the Reagan coalition of the 1980's. The GOP candidate should be a strong fiscal and social conservative who is not afraid to take criticism from the Democratic side and is willing to stand up for what he believes in. He should not be afraid of the label "right wing extremist", but should accept it as a badge of honor. Whoever the Republicans find must be able to motivate the religious right, the base of the party, to vote en masse on Election Day as well as provide the campaign with a strong volunteer core. This candidate should also have charisma to charm the voters while appealing to them on the issues.
I have surveyed the political landscape, and I believe I have found this candidate. The candidate in question is unflinchingly pro-life, and his willingness to stand for what he believes in will excite the base of the party and ignite respect in the American people. He will not only return the party to its traditional roots in the Reagan Revolution; he will go farther and build a coalition that will be even more powerful than the Reagan coalition. His dashing good looks and near-limitless charm will cause even those who disagree with his agenda most strongly to admit to being fond of him personally.
It is not surprising, then, where I found this candidate. I looked over the political landscape, and found this candidate staring me in the face when I look in the mirror.
Yes, that is correct. I am by far the best possible choice for the Republican presidential nomination in the year 2000.
There are some obstacles in the way of a Tibbs for President campaign in 2000, however. First and foremost is the Constitution's requirement that the President be at least 35 years old. Unfortunately, I will be only 27 years old in October of 2000. If the Republicans want a guaranteed victory in 2000, they must work to quickly pass a Constitutional amendment lowering the required age of office. This will not be easy, as the Democrats in the House and Senate will fight the proposed amendment with every method available. And who can blame them? One cannot fault the Democrats for trying to prevent such a massive defeat, or at least put it off until 2008.
But, ultimately, the Democrats will be forced to bow to public opinion. Once my immense talent is revealed on a national stage, the American people will be demanding the barrier against me running for President be removed. Before that can happen, though, the Republican National Committee must introduce me to the American public. Frankly, I am shocked the RNC has not yet called me with a request to run in 2000. Perhaps the RNC does not want t appear biased against the other potential candidates. But the RNC must do what is best for the party, and begin laying the groundwork for what could be the biggest Republican landslide in history. I am still waiting for that call.
This column has been brought to you by the Humor Division of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy. The views expressed therein are not necessarily the views of Scott Tibbs or the VRWC. The opinions expressed in this column are meant to amuse and generate laughter. There are a few genuine points raised in this column, but it is up to you to figure out which points are serious, and which are not.