The New Bus Proposal: The Best Thing at IU Since Coach Knight!

Editor's warning: The following article contains explicit sarcasm and extreme parody humor. Reader discretion is advised, particularly for the humor-impaired.

As have many students, I've been inundated with information about this new and fantastic bus proposal that is supposed to greatly improve the quality of life here at the beautiful Indiana University at Bloomington campus. For a new mandatory fee of only about $70 per year, we get to ride without charge on any of the Bloomington Transit or IU Bus Service buses. In doing so we are helping to end pollution in Bloomington and are following the lead of other 21st century collegiate communities which have implemented such a revolutionary system. We will be, plainly, building the prototype university transportation system of the future!

Any reasonable person worth their weight in diesel fuel can obviously see that our current bus system is fatally flawed. First, the buses charge fees to be used. User fees are obviously outdated and discourage bus use. A mandatory fee is the only reasonable way to get people to ride the buses. And, since combustion-based automobiles pollute our atmosphere, we can cut back on pollution by riding the bus to work or class! Since the buses are already quite crowded, at least 10 more new buses will be added to the fleet, a number that will surely help end the overcrowding of buses during the late night and weekend hours.

Perhaps the best aspect of this new program is the mandatory fee. I will be a senior next year, which means that I will get to pay approximately 10 dollars less than freshmen will pay for the same benefits! The sliding fee scale proposed is particularly attractive, as I will probably live two blocks from campus therefore I will obviously use the bus quite a bit. But freshmen who live on campus will have to pay more in fees. Due to their proximity to campus, however, they will most likely not be riding the buses, a real steal on my behalf. I hope the freshmen don't find out about this!

I am particularly impressed with the way our outstanding Indiana University Student Association has handled this entire situation. I greatly object to any proposition that may allow the student body to decide for themselves and vote on this proposal. And since IUSA is obviously made up of students who sincerely care about the well being of the entire student body and not just their own resumes, we don't need a vote from those the policy will affect the most. After all, Dave Rich (Optometry grad student and IUSA representative) put it straight when he said, "Frankly, my constituents are a bit myopic." I couldn't agree more.

Jump on board this new bus proposal. Don't be, as Will Drake (Honors Division representative) said, "selfish" in opposing this plan! Let's build that new bus route bridge to the 21st century of IU transportation!